Expectations in Relationships or Marriage

Have you ever wondered why people expect so much from others especially from their loved ones? Whenever they give or do something for their partner or others, they expect at least the same thing for their partner to do for them or something big in return. This is a natural feeling of every human being and there is nothing wrong in this. Because if there is no expectation from others and you continuously give your best to others, at some point you will break down and feel depressed thinking why should I give always? They can also give me something or the other or at least a few times. Why to waste my precious time on them when I get nothing in return?. We all walk into love with a backpack full of expectations. Some are born from movies, some from childhood dreams, and others from the simple human desire to be loved, understood, and cherished. In relationships and marriage, expectations aren’t inherently bad, they can be the compass that guides two people toward mutual care and respect. But when left unchecked or unspoken, they can also become silent deal-breakers.

And when the other person doesn’t give anything in return even after your continuous efforts, you will also stop giving to them and focus on other things. Because nowadays, everyone has become aware of mental health issues and depression and how it can affect your daily life. So, everyone today became selfish in their own ways and started trying to be happy within themselves ignoring others, which is also a good thing to certain extent. But we all know we humans are social beings and we need each other for love, support, care, and respect. We need each other to build a happy family and raise positive kids. Doing everything alone can be satisfying up to a certain extent, but after that, there will be a break point and you will start feeling lonely and depressed again.  Expectation from your partner sometimes is ok but this should not become a habit, or you cannot expect your partner to meet your expectations continuously or daily. Because you both are different individuals. You both have your own expectations, advice, thinking, goals, habits, dreams, personality, and skills. So, your partner cannot be the way you are, and you can never be the way they are. You can only expect them to be loyal to you, respect you, care for you, and love you. And this can be more or less than you do to them. In this article, I will explain how to build a healthy relationship with your partner or any other family member without any expectations or limited expectations from them.

When I got married at a very young age in my early 20s, I also had so many expectations form my partner. All these expectations came from watching other couples around me, dramas, movies, and story books. At that time, I never thought that reel life and real life is very different. I thought people make movies by watching real incidents and all that happens in dramas are real. But real life is very different from that. I expected so much from my partner, but nothing happened like that. It took me 5 years to completely understand real life and how marriage works. And now I feel so much lighter and stress free. I don’t expect much from my partner, family, kids, and friends. I started focusing on myself and expecting more from my work and skills. When there are less expectations, you fight less with your partner and love and respect them more the way they are. But when there are more expectations from your partner, you fight more, love less, feel depressed, underconfident, disrespected, emotional draining, and lose focus on other things like your career, self-care, self-love, kids, family members, and work. Expectations are part of being human. We form them based on our past experiences like what worked or hurt us before, from Cultural and family upbringing, the way love was modeled for us, from Personal values, and what we believe makes a healthy partnership. Without expectations, relationships can lack direction. The trouble begins when our expectations are unrealistic, rigid, or left uncommunicated. So, expectations are not be ignored. They should be met up to a certain limit also know as healthy expectations in other words.

Different types of Expectations: –

1. Healthy expectations: –

• I want my partner to take care of me when I am sick.
• I want my partner to respect me.
• I want my partner to love me.
• I want my partner to help me with work or career.
• I want my partner to stay loyal to me.
• I want my partner to give me little gifts sometimes.
• I want my partner to spend some quality time with me.
• I want my partner to respect my family members.
• I want my partner to listen to me when I am talking.
• I want my partner to support me when I am right.
• I want my partner to respect my decisions and advice when they are correct.
• I want my partner to be truthful to me.
• I want my partner to understand me.
• I want my partner not to taunt me for small things.
• I want my partner to help raise kids together.
• I want my partner to be honest and transparent with me.
• I want my partner to make efforts in intimacy and connection.
• I want my partner to emotionally support me when I am depressed.

2. Unhealthy expectations: –

• I want my partner to give me a gift everyday.
• I want my partner to remember all my important dates.
• I want my partner to celebrate all memorable days just like I do for them.
• I want my partner to text me or call me every 2 hours.
• I want my partner to talk to me continuously.
• I want my partner to tell all his secrets and about his past life.
• I want my partner to take me outside every day.
• I want my partner to tell sorry to me even though I am wrong.
• I want my partner to tell ‘I LOVE YOU’ to me everyday.
• I want my partner to always support even when I do wrong.
• I want my partner to buy me expensive gifts.
• I want my partner to celebrate my birthdays grandly.
• I want my partner to spend time with my everyday.
• I want my partner to give me all his salary.
• I want my partner to take me out for shopping every weekend.
• I want my partner to help me with work even though he is not feeling well or tired.

3. Unspoken expectations between the couples: –

• I want my partner to be there emotionally without needing to ask.
• I want my partner to show up reliably in actions and words.
• I want my partner to value my opinions, boundaries, and feelings.
• I want my partner to put in effort to maintain the relationship even during tough times.
• I want my partner to understand without needing to explain everything.
• I want my partner to always be faithful and honest without question.
• I want my partner to support me in personal goals and challenges.
• I want my partner to recognize and value the little things I do for them.
• I want my partner to make the relationship a priority without needing to constantly remind.
• I want my partner to show me love through touch, even if not verbally expressed.

4. Emotional expectations from the partner: –

• I want my partner to understand and share all his feelings and secrets.
• I want my partner to be a safe space where I can express vulnerability and get comfort.
• I want my partner to acknowledge my feelings as real and important, even if they don’t always make sense to them.
• I want my partner to be patient and give me time to process emotions without rushing or dismissing them.
• I want an open communication with my partner.
• I want my partner to be present emotionally, not just physically.
• I want my partner to know when to give space and when to engage.
• I want my partner to show care through words, gestures, or touch.
• I want my partner to address disagreements without cruelty or withdrawal.
• I want my partner to share and support my emotional needs.

5. Physical expectations from the partner: –

• I want regular hugs, kisses, holding hands, or gentle touches that show love and connection from my partner.
• I want sexual connection that feels mutually satisfying and respectful.
• I want comfort and closeness like sharing space physically, cuddling or sitting close.
• I want my partner to know when to give each other room and when to come closer.
• I want my partner to be there in person during important moments or just everyday life.
• I want my partner to use body language to show support, care, or interest.
• I want my partner to maintain hygiene and health as a form of respect for me and our relationship.
• I want playfulness and fun with my partner like light touches, playful wrestling, or other ways of bonding physically.
• I want physical reassurance from my partner like touching to calm or soothe during stressful times.
• I want my partner to my limits and comfort levels.

Managing Expectations Without Losing the Spark: –

1. Talk openly, early, and often – Share what matters to you without making it a blame game. Good communication is the best tool for any problem in this world. And it is very important in relationships. The more you communicate politely with your partner, the more they will understand you. And silence is necessary when you don’t want any fight, blame, hurt, stress, or the need to prove yourself to others. When you talk, don’t make your partner feel low or wrong, instead encourage them to help you build a more strong bond in this relationship. If they really want to, they will help you or tell how we can do it together. If they don’t want it, they will either keep quiet, or tell you what’s bothering them, or blame you for unhealthy relationship. Choose a day in the entire week to be with your partner and enjoy some quality time. Talk to them how they feel, how is their work, how is their health, what do they like to do now, what you love and dislike about them, and what they like or dislike in you. Remember that communication doesn’t meet expectations. When you are trying to communicate you are just trying to know more about your partner and solving some problems between you and your partner. And you cannot expect the same from them. In a healthy relationship or marriage you should always give more and take less. The same applies to your partner too. If they doesn’t, don’t bother at all. You do your best and leave the rest.

2. Check your source – Ask yourself if this expectation is rooted in your values or in a romanticized ideal. Because expecting more form your partner is like torturing them mentally. And this doesn’t go long. Your partner may do it for you for a short period of time and after a few months, they get tired and walk out. If they really respect you or take care of you, they will do it by themselves without the need to remind them constantly. And your expectations should be realistic and healthy not unrealistic, fantasy, dreamy, or unhealthy. Because real life is very different from the dramas, movies, and shows. Be practical most of the times and dreamy once in a while with your partner according to your partners personality or behavior. Many partners like practical, straight forward, honest, loyal, self care, self loved, focused, knows the value of money, caring, independent, helpful, and smart life partners. While other like simple, dreamy, talkative, attractive, beautiful, down to earth, very polite, dependent, and being available for them all the time partners. And once you get married, you have to accept your life partner in both ways. Because no one can be perfect in all these things at once. When there are more positive things in your partner, you can ignore the negative ones. But if there is more negative things in your partner, you have to talk about it and make a decision for yourself.

3. Stay flexible – Life changes, and so will your needs and your partner’s. So don’t expect the same things from your partner that they did before. Due to more responsibilities, career growth, financial stability, kids, and work pressure many couples may not give time to each other like before. But no matter how busy you are, you should never ignore your partner or kids. You should take out sometime at least once a week to spend some quality time with your partner and your family. It reduces stress, builds strong bond, and  brings happiness in you and your family. So, if your partner is not able to meet your expectations like before, you can just wait or focus on other things but don’t always remind them. They know everything and they will do it again once they become a little bit stress free or completely ignore you if they have found out interest in other things. Don’t depend on anyone for emotional support. When you really love yourself, you will find good company within you and you will not need any other person to heal you, give time to you, comfort you, support you, or care for you.

4. Celebrate effort, not perfection – A partner trying to meet your needs is more valuable than a perfect checklist match. So don’t go for perfection and appreciate your partner when they does small things for you. Remember a strong love doesn’t need validation everyday. Nor do they need to appreciate you, care for you, say I LOVE YOU all the time, buy gifts everyday, or talk to you on phone for hours. Just the feeling that they are there for you when you need them, support you in your tough times, help you when you are not feeling well, encouraging you, respecting you, keeps their promises, and  giving you good advice is enough for a smooth and comfortable marriage life. When a partner is trying to do his best in the relationship, then you don’t need to worry at all because they are constantly trying to make their relationship work well through efforts and hard work. And they will succeed one day. Sometimes you may be trying your best in your relationship, but your partner may find someone else outside more interesting and beautiful. And if this happens don’t get depressed or think that all your efforts have wasted. They may be not worth of your love or they will come back to you after a few days when they don’t get the same love, respect and care from their other partner. Because many people fall for the outside appearance of humans and when they start living with them they truly understand the meaning of beauty and happiness. And beauty fades, but your behavior, personality, heart, and mind never changes.  I have seen many married couples, who get into cheating only by seeing the appearance of others and when they start dating them, they breakup within months because of their partners behavior and personality. No matter how beautiful and handsome you are, your appearance makes your partner excited at first, but your behavior decides if that excitement lasts. Your partner may still cheat on you, if they lack integrity or if the relationship becomes toxic to continue. Your appearance only makes your partner notice you sometimes and it doesn’t make them stay. It’s the personality, trust, and shared values that keep someone choosing you day after day.

How to Communicate Expectations to your partner without sounding Demanding:-

1. Use “I” statements – Instead of “You never help me in the kitchen and with kids,” try “I feel less stressed when we share dinner duties or cook together and raise our kids together.” You can also explain them how all these small household chores bring you both together to talk and work. Working with your partner and kids in kitchen hits really different than working alone in kitchen. You don’t just cook, you bond with each other and spend quality time together. Though there will be more mess when more than one person works in kitchen, it is all worth it as you all enjoyed the time. When I work in kitchen especially in weekend’s, I call my husband if he is free at that time and my small kids to help me with the lunch and dinner. Our kitchen is very small where only 2 people can stand freely but when we all work together , that kitchen  becomes more big than a house. We play jokes, songs, games, make different kinds of shapes with food, eat snacks in between, and enjoy the whole process. That work doesn’t really seem like work, its more like dining out with your family in a camp. We do this especially when we call someone for dinner as there will be more dishes to make. We all share the work and trust me the dishes also turn out delicious as they are made with love and happiness.

2. Be specific – “I want more romance” is vague. “I’d love a date night twice a month” is actionable. And sometimes instant decisions when you are outside with your partner are more applicable as your partner may not be able to say no or explain you why due to very short time period. When you are going to a mall for grocery, after grocery, you can tell your partner to have a snack with them in the mall. Or after mall, you can tell them to go to a restaurant as you will not get enough time to make dinner .  If you plan all this before and tell your partner, there are more chances that your partner will say no as they may have other plans for the day. Don’t tell them ‘I want a flower everyday”, instead try “I love red roses or orchids since childhood”. When you want to eat your favorite snack, don’t tell them “I want this particular snack today”, instead try “Its been so many months since I had this snack and it taste very delicious”. When you want a new dress for yourself, don’t ask them “Can you please buy this for me. instead try “I want to impress you with this dress and I will go ahead with it only if you like I too”.

3. Invite feedback – Ask your partner what they expect from you, too. And what they love about you. What are your mistakes and how to solve them too. Ask them how can they be more attractive, lovable, respectful, helpful, and caring for them. When you ask these questions to your partner, you will understand wat they thing about and what they expect from you. Based on that you can make a few changes in your relationship. And you should also tell them what you love about them, what you expect from them, and what you hate about them. It will help you grow together. You should have the habit to listen to your mistakes from your partner or any other family member and correct it and your partner should also tell the truth about you without fearing the consequences or thinking it might hurt you. Only then you will understand what’s working and not working in your relationship.  Your partner may get hurt initially, but slowly they will understand your words and try to change them if they really care about you and love you. This may not be done right away and sometimes it takes years for your partner to truly understand you and meet your expectations.

My Final Thoughts:

In relationships and marriage, love is the foundation, but expectations are the architecture. Build them wisely with communication as your blueprint and understanding as your cement. When both partners know and honor each other’s hopes, marriage stops being a battlefield of unmet dreams and becomes a partnership of shared vision. Unrealistic expectations can suffocate love, but healthy, communicated ones help it breathe. The goal isn’t to erase expectations; it’s to shape them into something both partners can carry — together. Love thrives not in perfection, but in shared effort, mutual understanding, and the willingness to grow side by side. Expectations are like the invisible threads tying your heart to your partner’s actions. Pull too hard, and the thread can snap. Leave it too loose, and the bond can fade. Expectations aren’t the enemy — silence, unrealistic fantasies, and inflexibility are. Expectations can be beautiful when they inspire both partners to rise together. Expecting kindness, mutual respect, and shared growth is not only healthy — it’s essential. The key is to make those expectations realistic, spoken, and adaptable. Adjusting your expectations over time is very important in all relationships. Life seasons change. Newlyweds may expect spontaneous weekend getaways; parents of toddlers may consider a quiet cup of coffee together a luxury.
So expectations must evolve with career changes, health shifts, parenting responsibilities, aging and lifestyle adjustments. The healthiest couples revisit and renegotiate their expectations regularly — just like updating a life plan. Enjoy all the small moments with your partner. Even a cup of coffee together, sitting together on bed for 5 minutes, holding hands when walking for 2 minutes, playing a joke on each other, watching each other and smiling, watching a movie clip together, going to a grocery store with your partner, greeting them when they come home from work, giving them a glass of water and a few snacks is all worth it when you are in a marriage even though you are not doing anything big together or expecting anything from them. When you enjoy these small moments with yourself and your family, you forget about unrealistic expectations from your partner and your family.