Responsibilities of a Wife

Marriage is not about wedding dresses, makeup, jewelry, reception, bridal dresses, adventure, or endless expectations from your partner. Especially for a woman, it is more about responsibility, adjustment, loyalty, self-respect, care, love, a little sacrifice, learning, and exploring new things every day. It is not as easy as it may look from the outside. From the outside, you may see marriage as a huge wedding, smiling people all around, so many relatives, friends, couples holding hands and hugging each other in front of others, and everyone giving gifts to each other. The real struggle comes when you go back to your in-laws’ home or to your separate home and live with them and your partner all day long for years. You learn new traditions, new rules, new words, discussions on different topics, and your responsibilities as a wife. You will see a completely new world once you enter the stage of marriage. Something u may have never seen before or thought of it ever. So, every girl should be prepared for all of this before marriage. You have to be prepared for the worst situations that can happen after marriage. This will give u strength and confidence to fight when no one supports you.

I advise all the newly married women to just watch calmly and patiently everything that is going on in their in-laws’ home or in their own home before reacting to each and everything in the initials months after marriage and take a step ahead once everything settles down. Because in the initial months, everyone’s eyes are on you, including your husband. You are a completely new person in a very big family. They check your every step, every word you speak, the way you behave, the way you respect, the way you care about others, the way you think, and every work you do. They decide your personality based on that for the rest of your life. Your partner does the same, too. If you were good to them initially, you will be declared good for the rest of your life, even though you make some mistakes after that. But within this one year, if you make any mistake, they will declare you a bad women and no matter how many good things you do after that, they will not look at it at all. I know this is not correct and should be changed as the world is progressing. But we are still stuck with this type of mindset from so many years.

The good news is that the world is changing slowly. In today’s world, especially in high society and educated families, all women are given equal importance, rights, responsibilities, priority, and respect. But many women are forgetting their own responsibilities after marriage and only focusing on how their husband and their in-laws should be after marriage. If he is good, they be with them. If they are bad, they leave them. They are only focusing on the wedding day, photo shoot, wedding dresses, jewelry, shopping, husband’s income, his looks, his personality, properties, luxury life, and dreaming of a destination happily ever after wedding.  This is correct to some extent, as we have the right to get the best and to do the best, but in this process, we forget our own work in our married life. They only focus on the husband’s responsibilities and behavior towards them and their family. They expect everything from their partner without giving anything or only a little to their partner. Some even become so selfish that they don’t take proper care of their kids and leave everything to their husbands and in-laws. They are in their own world. Many women are misusing the laws that people and the government gave them for their own safety and needs. I am not saying all women are like that. But now, most of them are turning like this in the name of independence, equality, and feminism. We think we are smart, intelligent, beautiful, attractive, independent, and unstoppable. We forget that marriage is an equal partnership between couples. Both need to adjust, compromise, care for each other, be patient, help each other, and work together for a healthy and long marriage. It is a committed relationship where both partners try their best to be the best version of themselves for their partner. Marriage is accepting your partner with all his good and bad deeds. But since everything has a limit. Being too good or too bad to your partner can also be dangerous. If you are too good, they will play with you. If you are too bad, no one will care for you. So you need to mintain a balnce between these two.

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I am very happy to tell you that, nowadays, due to an increase in educational societies and a progressive mindset, women’s work is valued more, their health is prioritized, they are given equal rights in every sector, and their advises are taken. Disrespect, domestic violence, and bad behavior towards wives have decreased a lot among educated people. They see the partner as an equal contributor to the marriage and respect them. But still, some people cannot digest it when they see their wife being independent or earning more than them or giving advice to them continuously on each and everything. Because they have come from a society where women were disrespected and beaten in their families. So, they think they are great husbands as they are not beating or disrespecting their wives. But they orally and emotionally abuse them, which is equal to physical abuse and violence.  Just like this, women today are also becoming more dominant, independent, arrogant, aggressive, and demanding towards their husbands and in-laws. Thatswhy divorce rates are increasing today, though there is no physical abuse or domestic violence in the marriage. Couples are getting out of marriage when their partner doesn’t give time to them, doesn’t support their career, their likes and tastes don’t match, they are fighting over small things, the other partner is not helping in taking care of the kids, when looks and personality become a little different after a few years of marriage, or when the in-laws are not good or they are always complaining about their partner. These are all happening, especially within 3 to 5 years of marriage. This is the actual time for every marriage to settle down a bit and come to an understanding phase. That’s why it is very important to get married only when you are ready both mentally and emotionally to face all the problems that come with your partner, in-laws, relatives, friends, and kids. It is important to learn and gain some knowledge about your responsibilities after marriage towards your husband, in-laws, parents, and kids. Although many women are aware of their responsibilities after marriage, I would like to provide a summary for your quick reference. I have also authored an article discussing the responsibilities of a husband toward his family, which you might find useful as well.

Core responsibilities of every couple in a marriage: –

• Mutual respect – Treating each other with dignity and respect is very important in every couple’s relationship, even during conflicts, tensions, and frustration, in front of others, and in big fights. When you are angry and frustrated, the real words that you feel for your partner will come out automatically. Many say we tell so many things in anger, but we don’t really mean it. This is not true. People tell the truth when they are angry. Some may say more than what it is, but it is true in some context. If you want to know how much respect and loyalty your partner shows towards you, look at their feelings and words when you fight with each other. If they are treating you very badly during a fight, this is what they really feel towards you all the time. All the other time, they were just acting normally in front of other people to show how much they care about you. Respect and care are the most important things after marriage. Love and romance come at last. If they respect you, they will love you, care for you, support you, stand by your side, and understand you. If there is no respect in your relationship, all these things cannot go on for a long time. And respect will not come from day one after marriage. It will take months to years for a partner to respect their spouse for all the things that they have done till now. Especially in arranged marriages, where couples meet for the first time, it is going to take them years to fully understand each other and respect their partner. Till that time, they just closely watch your actions, words, and work. Based on this, they start respecting you. Wives start respecting their husbands right after marriage, but husbands take so much time to respect their wives. I also don’t understand why, but this is true in most of the arranged marriages.

• Emotional support – Being present for your partner, listening, and encouraging each other in every tough situation is very important in marriage. In marriages, most of the emotional support is given by wives to their husbands in every situation. Husbands usually don’t express their feelings or like to cuddle their wives as they do with their girlfriends before marriage, especially in our country due to society mindset that boys don’t cry or they don’t fall for their wives or become slaves of their wives’ dialogues. A thin line of misunderstanding is there that if they show more love to their partner, they will start taking them for granted. This thought will come to their mind every time they want to show some support and love to their wives. So, they show dominance and look like a strong man in front of their wives. And they expect their wives to understand their feelings without telling them anything. Though wives understand a lot about their partner, they still like to be loved, cared for, and feel important to their partner.

• Communication – Honest, kind, and clear conversations between couples are very important to prevent any type of misunderstandings. Couples feel lonely and distant after a few years of marriage because they stop communicating about small things as they did in the initial years of marriage. In the initial years, we communicate with each and everything with our partner and share everything about our lives, dreams, goals, and ideas. But after a few years, these topics become boring and a waste. We think more about children, responsibilities, properties, money, business, career, and family life. Couples forget to take some time out for their partners. They stop grooming for them, entertaining them, taking them out for dinner, watching movies with them, and creating romantic moments with each other. If this happens to you and you feel something is missing in your life, then you should tell your partner about this. Your partner may tell you to act maturely or tell that we have to focus more on responsibilities and children. But later, they will understand and think about it. Remember that WORDS HAVE POWER. They impact your mind a lot. A strong sentence that you tell will be there in your partner’s mind for a very long time. You may forget it, but they don’t forget because your words as a partner matters them the most.

• Commitment – Prioritizing your relationship over every other relationship and building trust with your partner is called commitment and loyalty. I see many couples taking each other for granted and prioritizing other relationships like kids, parents, relatives, and friends after their marriage. They prioritize their partner only for the first few months or years of marriage, after that, they take them for granted. This is the time when partners feel lonely or left alone in the house. They look at their partner taking care of others more and ignoring them. This hurts them a lot, as they give more time to their partner than others do. But this doesn’t mean you have to find love and care outside in other people and cheat on your partner. The only solution to this is to talk to your partner about how you are feeling left alone in the home and feeling depressed. Even after continuously saying, if they don’t change their behavior, it’s best to ignore them. Just do your responsibility and start focusing on yourself. But according to me, no one can make you happy for a long time. We have to find our own happiness within ourselves or by doing other things that make us happy without hurting anyone else. What I saw is that when you start ignoring your loved one, they start to follow you if they really respect you and try to find out why you are not like before. Now they start caring for you, loving you, and trying to impress you.

• Shared decision-making – Decisions based on finances, family, goals, and daily life should be made by both partners. One partner should not be dominant over the other. Couples should share all their finances, dreams, and take advice from their partner for everything. In many households, men are given the title of head of the family as they earn money. Women are considered only as taking responsibility for the house and the kids. Financial decisions, advice, big decisions, property matters, and money-related issues are not at all shared with them. However, this mindset is slowly changing in educated people in developed cities in our country. Decisions regarding where to invest money, school admission for kids, planning a trip, buying a property, buying gold, taking loans, etc., should be discussed with your partner and their advice should be taken.

• Contributing to the household – Household chores, planning trips or vacations, caregiving to children and elders, should be done equally by both partners if both partners are working outside at a full-time job. If the woman is a homemaker, she can do 70% of this and leave the other 30% to her husband. Household chores are not only for women. Believe it or not, homemakers work more than men who work in offices from 9 to 6. Just because she stays at home from morning to night, you might not know what work is going on in the house. Household chores are never ending. To keep the home clean and organized, so much detailed work has to be done by her. Dusting, wiping, cleaning, washing, deep cleaning, cooking, taking care of children and elders, buying groceries, ironing clothes, sewing small stiches on the clothes, etc. These all may seem very small to other people, but they are very time consuming and stressful. I understand that men’s work is also not very easy. But at least they get some time for themselves after office hours and weekends, or they have a partner at home who is ready to take care of them when they come home. But no one is ready to take care of the women who is always working and always standing in attention for all the family members 24/7. She has to do everything by herself and also take care of herself because as a woman you are considered to look beautiful, neat, healthy, clean, and fresh in front of others and throughout the day. It is the responsibility of the husband to take care of his wife’s emotional needs and help her in every way possible.

• Parenting partnership – Nurturing kids, guiding them to the right path, and co-parenting is very important for kids from an early age. It’s not only the responsibility of a mother to take care of the kids, but fathers should also give time to their kids and help them become good human beings. Kids who are raised by both the parents are very smart, intelligent, positive, and strong. Many families think that taking care of kids and upbringings them is only the mothers responsibility. When the child behaves good, people praise both the parent’s mother and father for good nurturing and upbringing. But when the child behaves a little bad, only the mother is blamed. People blame her for not teaching good manners and values to her child. I believe, both the parents should equally contribute to the upbringing of their children. This makes the upbringing very easy, less stressful, and both the partners also get some time doing the same thing together.

• Creating a stable environment at home– A home is the only place where every person likes to take rest and find some peace after a long day of heavy work and stress. It is a comfort zone for both the partners. A husband comes home to find some peace and happiness after a hectic day at work. For a woman too, her home is everything for her. Women like to decorate her home like it’s her own dream home. A good home is not that looks good only from the outside. It is something that is peaceful from the inside. A spacious home with good furniture and comfortable things along with silence and peace of mind is the perfect example of a happy home or a home everyone dreams of. And this doesn’t happen by itself. Both the partners should contribute equally to make their home beautiful. They have to invest their time, energy, and money. Shouting, excessive phone use, abusive language, should be strictly avoided in the home. This makes the home a place of comfort and rest for the couples.

• Self-care & growth – The mental health, physical health, and personal goals of both the partners should be met and should not be compromised by anyone, and you should also make it your priority and take care of yourself. When both the partners take care of each other and grow together, life becomes more beautiful and complete. Self-growth is when both the partners support each other in their careers and work. Doing everything alone can be very tiring, but when you have a partner who helps, everything becomes very easy and quick.

• Maintaining individuality – Your friendships, interests, goals, hobbies, advise, and your career should be given equal importance as theirs by your partner, and you should also take some time out for all of this. Life is not all about kids, partner, parents, family, and responsibilities. You should know your worth and the purpose of your life. God has sent you down for a purpose, to do things for him. Family is only a part of your life. Not your whole life. So never depend on one person for everything. Try to do some things independently. Complete independence is also not good as it can break your relationship because there will be no give and take if you do everything on your own. Try to keep your inner person alive. Don’t change yourself for others. If your genuine to yourself, people will love you for what you are.

• Setting boundaries – Healthy limits with partner, family, and others should be maintained by both partners throughout their married life. Both should respect their in-laws and their family members. You have to set boundaries on what to talk, how to talk, how to behave, and how much to respect each other and also other family members. This is important so that the other partner doesn’t cross their limits with you which can break the families or relationship. Violence, physical abuse, using bad words or abusive language, shouting, and disrespecting each other should be completely avoided.

What isn’t a responsibility of the partner after marriage?

• Obedience to your partner when they are toxic and harmful.

• Completely sacrificing your career or dreams for your husband or family members.

• Sacrificing self-worth and self-respect for your partner or family life.

• Enduring disrespect, abuse, or neglect by your partner or family members.

• Carrying the entire emotional or domestic load alone every day without sharing it with anyone.

• Cooking and cleaning even when you are not feeling well.

Many people today see marriage as a partnership, not a role assignment. Responsibilities are negotiated, not imposed.

The main Responsibilities of a wife after marriage: –

1. Obedience to the Husband (within limits): – A wife is expected to obey her husband if he is a good person. No obedience if he commands something bad, harmful, or unjust to herself or to others. This is about family order and harmony, not control or abuse. “There is no obedience to creation in disobedience to the Creator. Just like this, husbands should also respect their wife and take advise from them on most of the matters. They also need to obey their wives if she is telling something good or correct.

2. Guarding Honor and Trust: – Protecting your chastity, dignity, and reputation in the absence of your husband after marriage is the main responsibility of a wife. Being faithful and protecting the husband’s honor in his absence is very important for her. Protecting the husbands honor also includes avoiding back biting of her husband in front of others, showing respect towards him in front of others, and taking advise from him for most of the matters. “Righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in the husband’s absence.”

3. Managing the Home: Traditionally, women are responsible for household affairs by mutual agreement. Scholars differ on whether housework is obligatory; many say it is custom based, not absolute. Islam encourages kindness and cooperation, not exploitation or sacrifice. A women’s responsibility is to take care of her home and children. cooking, cleaning, and the other household chores are not her real responsibility. She can hire a maid for that. She can invest her time in other things like career, hobbies, and other goals.

4. Respecting the Husband: – Speaking respectfully, avoiding humiliation or public disrespect is very important for both the partners after marriage. Handling disagreements with wisdom and patience is the key for a successful marriage. Shouting, physical abuse, emotional abuse or using abusive language in front of each other or in front of other people is not at all recommended for a healthy marriage. Both should respect each other’s decisions and support each other emotionally and mentally.

5. Seeking Permission in Major Matters: – Especially regarding leaving the home or allowing others into the home, women should ask permission from their husband. Based on maintaining trust and family stability, not isolation or control. People may think this as control, but it is actually for the safety of the women. If the husband knows where she is going, who are coming to her home, or how she is going, he can keep a track of it and if something bad happens to the wife, he can react quickly.

6. Nurturing Children: – Women are the primary caregiver by nature, but father remains fully responsible for both the children and wife for taking care of them completely. Children’s upbringing is a shared duty. Both the partners should equally contribute to their children’s studies, teaching, taking care of, and responsibilities towards them.

7. Right to seek divorce: – If the wife is harmed or neglected by the husband, she has the right to seek divorce.